(original post here: melanyouth)
You aren’t alone. I have often felt guilty for not really loving my mother, beyond the obligatory, she’s my mother sort of thing. Nor do I much like her. She was never shy when I was growing up about telling me all the ways I was not the daughter she had wanted, all the ways I disappointed her. Only much later, and not to her, did I manage to speak of all the ways she had failed me and disappointed me. Now, she’s old and widowed and needs me, but she still finds it difficult to credit me with anything positive. Only lately, as she must acknowledge she is nearing the end of her life (she is 90) has she started to occasionally, and always as an afterthought, say thank you, or that was nice of you. It doesn’t matter much anymore, and I long ago got over wanting her approval. Now, I am mostly irritated at myself when I feel any guilt over my lack of warm feelings for her. It’s the bed she made, for both of us. She can lie in it, metaphorically speaking, alone. Because I promised my father before he died that I’d look out for her, I’ve done the best I can to do so. But it always feels like nothing more than a duty. My daughter and I have had our differences, but we have always worked them out. Now, she has a daughter of her own, and we are both happy that I can be part of this new little one’s life. I am concentrating on this positive and happy part of my family, not on the sterile relationship with my own mother (who though she was glad about a great grandchild, was also at first jealous and petty about none of us having as much time or interest as she wanted us to have for her rather than for the baby).
(via the-sky-is-another-ocean)
This made me so sad, and it has taken this long to respond. It seems like no matter what unhappiness we have, there is always someone - not far away - with a similar but worse situation, and that is what I see here. I cannot imagine having to care for someone who so disrespected me, who was so ungrateful, to whom all my hours were the affectation of a duty. You are a tough soul, and an honourable one as you fulfill your promise to your father. My heart goes out to you, though.
My mother thanks me well enough for gifts or even phone calls, and though she often remarks on how I didn’t succeed in life the way I could have, and is totally passive-aggressive about her feelings towards me and my siblings, at least I only have to deal with it infrequently.
But what’s up with hating on the grandchild? My mom does that too. Out of four kids, only one of us had a child, and my mother won’t say anything nice about her. Also she criticizes my brother and his wife for the way they are raising their child when to my eyes they are about the best parents I’ve ever come across, especially my brother who seems to have completely escaped the legacy of our dysfunctional upbringing. I may have my personal issues with my mom, but when she starts going on about her granddaughter with nothing but negativity, I almost start crying, I think it’s just so wrong.
Anyway, thanks for sharing your story. We truly are never alone in our challenges, are we?
(via melanyouth)
Thanks for responding to my response! What is that with grandchildren? My aunt does nothing but put down her granddaughter, and a friend with a new baby called me to cry because her mother had said her baby was ugly. On the other hand, I know a lot more grandmothers (like me!) who think having a grandchild is just fabulous, so maybe these are just unhappy people who find no joy in anything.
